It could be argued by a certain percentage of eaters—myself included—that a cupcake is an invention of a magnitude bordering on the divine and possessing most of the elements that more than aggressively qualify it as sacred. The first “cupcake” was born in 1828 and was included in Eliza Leslie’s Receipts cookbook. Let’s face it: What could possibly be less than eyes-filled-with-tears amazing about a small hand-held cake loaded with icing, candied decorations, sugar, and flavors of my imagined childhood?

And to check as many of the boxes needed to soothe the savage beast, what better way to dip our tongues into this mesmerizing universe than to select “a suite” of iconic flavors from a formidable triumvirate of LA cupcake houses?

SPRINKLES

It set sail in LA in 2005, the inspiration stemming from the founders’ visit to NYC’s infamous Magnolia Bakery. It took the city by storm. A dozen Sprinkles cupcakes became the go-to gift, subsequently wreaking havoc on the city’s floral delivery community. Simply put, no longer was an earthy autumnal-inspired bouquet enough to right the drunk and stoned wrongs of the night before—you needed to Red Velvet the situation.

The Sprinkle Layer Cake is a sweet beast. Stacks of delightful birthday cake loaded with rainbow sprinkles between layers of vanilla buttercream frosting, finished with more sprinkles. Not to be outdone, the Raspberry Chocolate Chip Assorted Dozen box (which can be delivered straight to your door) includes three Red Velvet cakes, three Raspberry Chocolate Chip, three Vanilla, and three Heartthrob Red Velvet Sprinkle—a romantic southern-style light chocolate cake with cream cheese frosting and their exclusive Heartthrob sprinkles. It made my heart patter.

Things got even more interesting in 2012 when Sprinkles introduced the world’s very first Cupcake ATM. An ATM packed with fresh, gooey little cakes of joy is pure bliss. I opted for the Red Velvet with a rich, consistent taste that satisfyingly captures the essence of the perfect cupcake. But let me be very clear, there was a certain sinfully delicious and slightly more hi-octane sweet consistency to the icing component than I’d ever experienced before that cannot be emphasized enough.

SUSIECAKES

The following year, the world of LA was blessed with yet another monumental epicurean epiphany when Chicago-born Susan Sarich launched SusieCakes, banking heavily on the voodoo medical properties of undisputed goodness that transpire when drawing from a bottomless well of preservative-free eggs, butter, milk, buttercream frosting, all-purpose flour, and granulated sugar.

The Red Velvet is hot and sweet, glistening, sparkly, and has plenty of sugar. As for the Chocolate-Chocolate (topped with chocolate buttercream) all I can really do is bellow, “Sweet Mother Of God!” After one bite of the Coconut cupcake (vanilla cupcake topped with coconut buttercream), I began having visions of frolicking through the Fijian jungles, climbing coconut trees, and blissfully indulging the divine coconut buttercream under a tangerine swirl of the sunset.

HANSEN’S BAKERY

Currently posted up on Fairfax Avenue in Little Ethiopia, Hansen’s is a legacy brand recently best known for its storied connection with the Kardashian birthday cake rituals (though, in truth, the bakery goes back seven generations to the family’s country of origin: Denmark).

The Strawberry Pop Tart cupcake is something well worth its own section. Not only does the cupcake boast a crusty crown comprised of its own mini pop tart, but there’s also a strawberry jam filling that sent a glucose-jolt that infiltrated my most taboo-riddled, psychic marrow. Without being too coy, the flavor profile can only be described as reminiscent of the Dolly Madison Zingers, with thick layers of icing on top with creamy non-dairy filling in the middle, and covered in a mixture of shaved coconut and raspberry flavored syrup.

The Danish Whip Cream hits just right. The actual cake itself is simply not playing in the same stratosphere.

When this event finally commenced my senses were rocketed to some otherworldly sugar-mischievous Valhalla. Just in case the premises have gotten buried in the last few paragraphs, it is a lot to take down the lion’s share of a dozen cupcakes. But to do this kind of work, sometimes there is no other way to get it done, and done right. In short, I’m the man to do just that. Show me a buttercream sword, and I will not only fall on it but I will actually plunge it into my pulsing lower abdomen with not much more than a vengeance and a Kool-Aid Smile.

YUM, YUM

Cupcakes aren’t really food or treats or snacks or even desserts—they are baby hand grenades of salvation. Given everything that seems to be going on in the world at any given moment, they are a fleeting reprieve from the multi-faceted apocalypse of the rapidly expanding now. And a heavenly munchie fav worth getting in your car and making a pit-stop after a sesh. In the end, there are no “bests” when it comes to these shops and their spongy cake and icing creations.

If crack or heroin or meth were carved out of flour, sugar, icing, and sprinkles, they’d be cupcakes, and yet, since cupcakes are what they are, they don’t end with you pushing a shopping cart across Fountain Avenue at 3AM.

By the time I finished, I may or may not be the slightest bit nauseous. But, hey, that’s the price paid for being the first one into the tunnel. Would I do it again? Absolutely!

Now you know what to do.

1919: Hostess emerges with the “Cup-Cake,” a personal, snack-size cake. With a cream-filled center and a chocolate glaze, these mass-produced treats pave the way for cupcakes to become a staple in American households.

1920s: Cupcakes are first iced.

1996: The posh Magnolia Bakery opens in NYC. Their savory cupcakes with gobs of excess batter earned them lines around the block within a year.

2000: On an episode of Sex and the City, Carrie Bradshaw eats a yummy Magnolia cupcake. Women swooned!

2001: After 9/11, Americans needed a go-to, feel-great comfort dessert. They turned to cupcakes.

2003: Sprinkles Cakes begins selling gourmet cupcakes for $3.50 apiece.

2005: The first cupcake-only bakery, Sprinkles opens its doors in Los Angeles. Paris followed with Little Miss Cupcake, then Pakistan with Cupcake by Cookies.

2010: Cupcake Wars launches on The Food Network and DC Cupcakes on TLC.

2011: Crumbs goes public on NASDAQ.

2014: The first cupcake ATM launches in LA, followed by six other cities.

2023: In this year alone, Americans ate over 800 million cupcakes.

2031: The prediction is in: 4 billion cupcakes!